Day 12

I feel like I'm at confession. Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been 4 days since my last blog. I know I said I was going to post earlier, but I was too busy doing....stuff. I have committed cig-adultery. I was suppose to be alone, without the covetous nicotine fire sticks. But, I was overcome by temptation and unable to stave off my desires.

Alright, enough of the dogmatic prose. This past Friday I was really having a hard time going without nicotine. I spoke to my friend who gave me the prescription and he not only encouraged me, but insisted that I give in to my nicotine cravings. Personally, I questioned the logic behind his insistence, but my desire for nicotine somehow justified his argument. Basically, it was similar to a thought I expressed earlier in the blog. "Whats the point in taking the medicine if quitting sucks just as bad as if you didn't take anything". Point taken.

I just assumed it was gonna suck either way.

Anyhow, after having a couple of beers I decided I needed to inhale some carcinogens. But, much to my displeasure, they did not provide me any satisfaction. I felt as if I were doing it more out of routine and habit than out of any pleasure seeking action. I imagined I would get that good nicotine buzz you only get after going a decent amount of time without a cig. Anyone who smokes or has smoked knows that buzz. It is probably that feeling that gets most people hooked. Needless to say, I didn't get that much sought after buzz. Nor did I get any satisfaction at all. Just bad breath and stinky fingers. If there is one thing I hate about smoking and smoke related issues, it has to be the smell of your hands after smoking. If you ever wanted to bottle and sell the scent of cancer all you would need to do is capture the smell that comes from between your index and middle fingers after clutching a cigarette between them. Sorry, getting a bit off track here. Anyway, I don't think I really had cravings for the nicotine, more like a craving to participate in the ritual of smoking. [read newspaper=cigarette, drink coffee=cigarette, drive car=cigarette, do yard work=dip/chew, drink alcohol=many cigarettes (other dumb decisions not included), etc] From a ritualistic aspect, I guess you could say I satisfied an urge. But other than that, it really does nothing for me. And while i think about it all the time, I dont really desire it. It's become more of a chore than an escape. Instead of the pre-chantix "Ahhhhh" I would get from nicotine, now it is more like, "Ughhh".

So, I guess it is working. Knowing that I wont get that little head rush from a nice long puff, pretty much kills my desire to desire it. If that makes sense. Like eating your favorite food but not being able to taste it. The dreaming is also getting really vivid. I have yet to experience any dreams that are truly out of the ordinary. Clear, vivid, lucid, surreal; yes...Crazy, bloody, sexy, horrifying; no. I'm still waiting and hoping though. Maybe I should start watching horror-porn before bed. I'm not sure if that is really a genre of movie, but it should be if it's not. I bet there is a market for it.

Sorry again for my lapse in posting, I will try not to let it happen again. Ill try posting some intoxicated thoughts this evening to see if my current attitude alcohol proof.